5: The Balance of Life: Compatibility and Fulfilment in Relationships
In this episode of The Deep Dive, we examine the nature of relationships, delving into the role of compatibility, individuality, and the delicate balance required for lasting connection. We reflect on how expectations and the myth of perfect union can lead to unfulfilled desires and explore the importance of shared growth and understanding in sustaining a vibrant relationship.
The Balance of Life: Compatibility and Fulfilment in Relationships
A relationship full of life requires two separate lives living life to the fullest. This simple yet profound truth speaks to the heart of what it means to be in a relationship that is not just functional but thriving. To live fully in a relationship, each individual must first live fully as themselves. In other words, a relationship's vibrancy is directly related to the vitality of the individuals within it. If either partner is suppressing their true self, sacrificing their dreams, or living in a diminished capacity, the relationship will reflect that lack of life.
Yet, as much as a fulfilling relationship depends on two individuals living their lives to the fullest, it also hinges on compatibility. Compatibility is the expanding glue of any relationship—it is the force that allows two people to grow together rather than apart. It provides the foundation upon which shared experiences and mutual understanding are built. 'The greater the compatibility, the more life we have to live together, and the closer we will be.' This speaks to the importance of finding common ground, of shared values, goals, and perspectives, which allow the relationship to not only survive but thrive.
But, as the essay suggests, we can never be 100% compatible. This is a hard truth that many of us struggle to accept. The romantic ideal that we are destined to find someone who will perfectly align with us in every way is, in many cases, a fantasy. When we cling to this ideal, we set ourselves up for disappointment. This 'romantic notion' often leads to unfulfilled expectations, resulting in one or both parties trying to change the other. As philosopher Alain de Botton observes, 'Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.' In other words, true compatibility is something we work towards in a relationship, not something that is handed to us on a silver platter.
This expectation of perfection can be destructive. When we assume that our partner should meet all of our needs, reflect all of our desires, and align with all of our values, we place an impossible burden on them. As the essay insightfully notes, 'We are at the end of the day one life, a life that considers itself the centre of all life.' This is not a statement of selfishness, but a recognition of the inherent subjectivity of human experience. We live within our own consciousness, and the only perspective we truly know is our own. As the existential philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre remarked, 'Hell is other people'—not because people are malicious, but because the presence of others reminds us that we are not the centre of the universe. We are constantly negotiating the space between our own life and the life of another.
The key to navigating this negotiation is to recognise that while we may never achieve perfect compatibility, we can strive for understanding, empathy, and mutual respect. 'Greater compatibility brings a broader perspective,' the essay reminds us. When we embrace the differences between ourselves and our partner, we open ourselves up to new ways of thinking, feeling, and experiencing the world. This broader perspective allows us to grow not only as individuals but as a couple. The differences between partners, rather than being obstacles, become opportunities for growth and connection.
Yet, this growth must always occur within the context of the life and lives that are shared. A relationship can only be sustained if it respects the individuality of each partner while fostering a sense of togetherness. As the poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote, 'Love consists of this: two solitudes that protect and border and greet each other.' A healthy relationship is one in which both partners maintain their sense of self, while also committing to the shared journey of their relationship. It is this balance between individuality and togetherness that allows a relationship to flourish.
In conclusion, a relationship full of life requires two lives fully lived, yet bound together by the glue of compatibility. Perfect compatibility is a myth, and the pursuit of it often leads to disappointment and attempts to change the other. Instead, relationships thrive when they are grounded in mutual respect, empathy, and the recognition that each person is a world unto themselves. Greater compatibility can indeed bring a broader perspective, but the essence of a relationship lies in the delicate balance of sharing a life while honouring the individual lives that comprise it.